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Thursday, 4:43 am in Archive

Just got back from a Matrix-a-thon. All three movies back to back, from 6:30 ‘til now.

So yeah, The Matrix itself is still good. Good nerd-to-superhero story you can really sink your teeth into, with just enough prehipheral symbol crap to keep you laughing but not shoving it right into your face. Reloaded is still a bunch of badly-made pap, with one mindless and badly-animated fight scene strung together with annoying wannabe-intellectual dialogue and ‘romantic’ bullshit.

Neo: I have jacked into the Matrix all by my self without physical help. And now I’m stuck in some between-worlds train station thing.
Little Program Girl: I am a cute little program girl!
Program Father: See, machines love their children too! How can you destroy us you bad humans? Oh, and did I mention you’re going to be stuck here forever since this place is owned by that French guy you pissed off in the last film.
Neo: Woe.

Meanwhile…

Morpheus: It’s time for our daily dose of deus ex machina! Let’s go visit the Oracle!
Oracle: Hey, I am slightly different looking. I also happen to convienently know how to get Neo back. My 1337 azn d00de will show you.
Seraph: I am a 1337 azn d00de! Let’s go visit that French guy. He is currently in a bondage club, which is convienient, because we couldn’t have one of these films without a club scene.
Insert gratuitous club scene here.
French Guy: Hahah, I am no less one-dimensionally annoying that I was last time. I will say lots of shitty dialogue that everyone will pretend is deep.
Morpheus: I too will indulge in this.
Trinity: Even I’m getting sick of this. Die motherfucker!
Insert Mexican standoff.
French Guy: Merde, you have bested me. You may retrieve Neo.
Neo: Yay.
Insert sappy kissing scene.
Neo: I too feel compelled to visit the Oracle.
Oracle: I will say some mystic crap about baking cookies. Look, it’s the cute little program girl from before. Did I mention that not all machines are bad? Oh, and Agent Smith is the antichrist.
Neo: I am dense.

Meanwhile, back in Zion, there are Sentinels and stuff about to attack. Everyone is scared.

Morpheus: Look, a crashed ship! It must belong to that chick I dig.
Chick: You saved me, hooray.
Neo: I feel compelled to take a ship and fly to the Machine City.
Some Guy: You are stupid.
Chick: Take my ship. We will go save Zion or something.
Bad Man: I am possessed by Agent Smith. Oooh spooky. I am going to stab the doctor and stow away with Neo. Did I mention I cut myself and am a bad man.
Trinity: Neo, I must go with you because I am determined to die for you in some romantic fashion.
Neo: Okay.

Back in Zion, machines start attacking. Lots of shooting and people saying corny war-movie type dialogue.

Link’s Wife: I will run around being hardcore with my butch chix0r friend and shoot the digging things. This will in some fashion make Link come home safely to me.
Butch Chix0r: Urgh. I died.

Meanwhile, in the Matrix…

Agent Smith: I am still the best character.
The Smiths: (singing) Still the best… still the best…
Seraph: You will never assiilate this cute little program girl!
Agent Smith: You are wrong.
The Smiths: (singing) Wrong! Wrong!
Oracle: For some unknown reason I am allowing you to assimilate me too. So I will sit here and look tough wile you rant on.
Agent Smith: Die, old lady!

Meanwhile, Zion is still being attacked. People die and do generally heroic stuff.

Trinity: Oh no, someone has sabotaged our ship! I will go check it out.
Bad Man: Haha! I attack you.
Neo: I save you. Hey, you are Agent Smith possessing some dude.
Bad Man: I will lock Trinity down this hold and fight you a bit, finally blinding you with this electrical cable.
Neo: Argh! My eyes. Fortunatley I can still see using my Super NeoVision™. Die, Agent Smith Guy!
Bad Man: I die!
Insert sappy Neo and Trinity stuff.

Meanwhile, back on the other ship…

Chick: Did I mention I am this really 1337 pilot and I will fly us into Zion through this tiny hole?
Morpheus: We will fight off Sentinels until we get to Zion, then use our EMP to destroy the machines attacking there.
People of Zion: Hooray!
Lock: You stupid man, you destroyed our defences! Now the machines will destroy us for sure.
Machines: Haha. we attack!

Somewhere above the Fields…

Neo: I will guide us into the Machine City using my Super Neo Machine Be-Gone Powers™. But there are too many and we must fly above the clouds to get away. Look how pretty it is.
Trinity: Unfortunatley we crashed in the city and I have been skewered through with poles.
Neo: Boo hoo.
Insert sappy stuff here.
Neo: Now that Trinity is dead and I have my super-cool Demon-Hunter eye-bandage on, I am more resolved than ever.
The Machine: Rargh, I am the incarnation of the Machine. Ph34r my spinedies!
Neo: Agent Smith has destroyed your Matrix and is coming for you next. Let me kill him in return for sparing my people.
The Machine: Since machines are honest, unlike you humans, I will stop attacking your city while you fight.
People of Zion: Yay!

Enter the Smithrix…

Agent Smith: Hahah, I have taken over the entire place. Plus I have absorbed the Oracle so now know everything.
Neo: Die!
Insert big fight.
Agent Smith: See how I smash your puny human body! Why do you keep fighting? Insert derogatory comments about love and freedom.
Neo: I fight because I choose too. And because that’s the theme of the movie!
Agent Smith: Oh no, your twisted human logic is confusing and frightening me. Prepare to be assimilated!
Neo: I will let you do this. Did I mention I am being pumped full of the power of the Machine and in doing so I will cause you to explode in white balls of light?
Agent Smith: Damn.
The Smiths: Damn.

Dee: Leave the theatre now, folks. You’ll thank me.

People of Zion: Neo has won and the machines have stopped attacking. What honest machines.
Neo: I may possibly be dead. Watch as I am dragged off in a glowing Christ-like fashion. Look, I even have a cross.
Little Program Girl: Yay, everything in the Matrix is restored.
The Architect: I am a secret Masonic symbol! Oh, and damn you Oracle for changing everything. I will leave with a parting comment on how we machines are honest and not all bad at all.
Oracle: I am a friendly old black lady. I will now have corny dialogue with the little program girl about Neo and the nice sunrise. How poetic.

Cue credits.
Fin.

The Mercury Twins: We weren’t in this movie. We think we should have been.

So that’s about it. Personally I thought it was better than the second one because the fight scenes were better and there was less bad animation. The corny dialogue was still painful. As was the whole Neo-as-Christ thing. Urgh.

Yeah… personally I still think they should have stopped at the first one. Get out while the going was good and the franchise was small and all that.

I am really tired. And ~wolf [h] is cooking something that smells really good…

• Mood » distressed
• Music » Marilyn Manson, 'The Nobodies'